Real Resignation Letter

Dear Peter and Tim and My Best Friend Jimmy:

I am submitting my resignation from the position of Cuyahoga County Auditor. I know you have not seen me around for a while, but I am now submitting my resignation. I know now that I was not prepared for this job, and should have resigned after my first term. I am sorry that I am costing all of you jobs. I can't believe that I have been able to bring down an entire government. I mean Charles Taylor, Ferdinand Marcos, and Alberto Fujimori were all corrupt, but none of them caused the collapse of their government. That puts me in the company of only a handful of leaders in the history of the world.

It will take years to undue all the patronage and unqualified members of my staff that are currently employed by the County. All the contracts that I helped secure will be my legacy. To the voters of Cuyahoga County, I am sorry for all the grief I caused, and thanks for the opportunity for personal enrichment. I just realized that my wealth was inversely proportional to the wealth trendline of the rest of the County residents. Thanks everyone for sticking by me up until 2008. Peter, thanks for holding your tongue until the day I resigned. That was a real solid that you did not speak out forcibly when voters of Cuyahoga were deciding to fire you, and through the last two years when they lost all respect for all of the commissioners. I won't be seeing you and Tim anytime soon for two reasons. One is that I will be spending the next 14 years in federal prison and two because you two will fade into oblivion. Jimmy, I want the top bunk in Morgantown West Virginia. See you soon.

Sincerely,
The Real Frank