Donnie Jr: "Hi, I was wondering if I could make a reservation for September."
Warden McClendon's Assistant: "I am sorry this is a federal prison."
Donnie Jr: "I understand, but I am concerned that...something is going to happen in the next few months and I will be sent to a place like OZ. No offense, if you worked there in the past. I was talking to Congressman Renzi and he said that your facility was top notch with the bocce ball court and the movie theater. How do I secure a spot at Morgantown.
Warden McClendon's Assistant: "That is not how things work with jail, sir."
Donnie Jr: "Why not? Why can't you reserve your space if you know what is coming down the line?"
Warden McClendon's Assistant: "Sir, that is just not how it works. The judge, the federal prosecutors have some input, but the Bureau of Prisons makes the final decision where you serve your time."
Donnie Jr: "What the hell are you talking about? This is 2019! There is Airbnb, Priceline...Have you heard of God damned KAYAK? I should be able to log into a website to secure my spot. I ran a big company and should be provided some consideration. I am special, and need a friend here. How much do I have to donate or pass along to get a space at Morgantown."
Warden McClendon's Assistant: "Calm down, sir. Are you attempting to bribe me? I cannot help you..."
Donnie Jr: "Me, calm down, I am going down for helping my family. No, I am not trying to bribe you, but I know money can buy anything. Do you understand that I have a new girlfriend, am going through a divorce and all you have to say is, 'calm down.' What is your name?"
Warden McClendon's Assistant: "My name is Michelle Gonzalez and my family is from Puerto Rico. It is a crime to harass and bribe a Bureau of Prisons employee, sir."
Donnie Jr: "They can add it to my plea deal. What are those misdemeanors, lady? I am sorry that your family is from a foreign county, but I have nothing to do with the federal government. I have big problems that could result in serious time. [pauses...breaths deeply]. Ms Gonzalez, I helped undermine a U.S election so harassing a federal employee is nothing. No one in history has committed the level of crime that I am accused of. Look, I need to get into Morgantown and cannot be sent to Oz. The Muslims, Latinos, and the Homeboys are not big fans of my family, and they would take it out on me. I am sure I could get help from the Aryan Brotherhood and that J. Jonah Jameson guy who led them, but I don't want to have sex with men. Please, get me in Morgantown. I would spend the next 10 years in solitary if I go to Oz. You got to help me, Michelle."
"Hello...Hello. She hung up on me."
Donnie Jr spent the rest of the day unsuccessfully attempting to use Suri to find a website that allows a person to reserve a space in a specific federal prison.
by Brian Davis
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